First of all, I’m pretty sad that the holidays are over.  I had a pretty great stretch there from Thanksgiving till now.  My younger brudder came out from Cali to spend Turkey day with me and the BF and we had such a great time.  Then it was full blown Christmas season.  One need only look back to a year ago, or 2 years ago to be reminded how much I love that season.

But I’ll be honest this was a bit of a rough season for me.  I think that I was letting a lot of the stresses of my life get the better of me so for some time I felt like I was constantly walking around with a weight.  It’s still there but the pressure of the holiday has subsided and that makes things a little easier.  But it leaves me with a sadness that my favorite time of year has passed and I almost feel like I missed it.

So analyze this I must start by going back, how about 12 months back.

Last year started out incredibly auspiciously.  I had had a very negative personal and professional experience that was followed up by an incredible one.  On this day a year ago I was (5 days late) traveling down to Vero Beach to start the second leg of rehearsals for Guys and Dolls.  The entire experience ended up being a positive personal triumph and set the tone for the beginning of the year.

After that I came back to New York with all the fears that usually plague an actor.  But I continued to get work and it filled me with a sense of value that I had not felt before as a working actor.  Twas quite nice

Another highlight then came, spring vacation 2011!  For this, the bf and I flew out to AZ then drove out to Cali for a couple days.  We stayed with my younger brudder in Pasadena and got to see a whole slew of friends who we hadn’t seen in years.  We got to meet the brudder’s friends and see a bit of his (ending) college life (he was a second semester senior).  We even got to go to Disneyland with the papa who flew out just to spend some time with his boys!

After Cali we drove back to AZ to spend some time with my family.  It culminated in my Grandparents joint 80th birthday party.  The whole two weeks we were there were probably on of the HIGHEST highlights of 2011.  It’s actually the happiest I think I’ve been in recent memory.  I’m enjoying this look back [insert contented sigh]

I think we are all so happy in this picture only partly because it was ungodly beautiful in Arizona in March.

After the trip we came back to reality in the form of New York City.  I actually left soon again for another short job and came back to a need for money, which is when I started working my survival job.  It’s been good to me and I can’t complain because in reality I haven’t been there very long.

We are now up to the summer months, which unexpectedly turned in my favor.  June I got to shoot up to Boston for awhile with the bf’s family for a wedding.  I even got to experience my first gay pride event (I’m always out of the city when it happens)

This picture will NEVER not be funny.  It was raining in Boston the day of pride, and we were just in for the afternoon to see the city.  Eventually we broke down and bought ponchos, but somebody thought they were too boxy, and in this captured moment can be seen trying on the infant sized ones and is clearly contemplating whether he likes it better.  The other person in the picture is clearly in it to win it for pride day.

Then in the beginning of July I very quickly got an offer and started rehearsals for Footloose up in Massachusetts.  It was an incredibly unexpected turn for my summer and I am truly grateful it happened.  It got me out of the city and working for a bit, and it allowed for my family to come out and visit, pretty much right when I needed it.

It was a long contract but fortunately turned out to be a very positive experience in the end.

This photo was taken from the night we as a cast went to a bars 80′s night.  We were the only ones in costume and there was a band that I don’t think played a single song from the 80′s.  It was great, but not quite footloose.

I got back to the city end of August just in time for the years low point.  Moving day 2011.  Or as we like to call it not moving day 2011.  I’m still so angry about the whole thing I’m going to not rehash it, but suffice to say we got screwed by about 3 different parties, and ended up locked into our old lease for another year.  Voodoo dolls have been made and ripped apart.

The end of September meant another highlight of the year.  It was the bf’s brudders wedding!  The bf and I went down to Maryland about a week before the wedding to make sure that we were there to help out with anything that might come up leading to the big day.  Everything was so well planned and so streamlined that it was just a little break for us.  Sure there were a lot of errands and chores but it set up a fantastic wedding

I actually just realized I have about 300 unedited photos from that week that I haven’t even touched yet!  Boo to me.

Since then there hasn’t really been all that much going on.  Like I said the brudder came for Turkey day, and now Christmas has come and gone.  I will be working tonight, but I hear that this is a good omen.  Working on New Years should mean you have ample work during that year.

I will call 2011 a roller coaster.  I had some highs and definitely some lows.  Harry Potter ended, and with it my childhood.  I am filled with optimism right now because I am ready for  a New Year.  A new start, and fresh pallet, a clean plate.  I have my own personal resolutions but they are mine, so if I follow through with them, you all will probably know.

Taking down these holiday decorations in the New Year is probably the thing I’m dreading most of all.

I wish you all a wonderful and safe night, hope you spend it with someone who means something to you and I hope that 2012 turns out to be the positive and great experience I’m hoping for.

I’m gonna break the streak with a real live honest to goodness post, but in the mean time

Drunk Christmas

Enjoy

What ensued was what was the worse day in both of their lives.  They cried, they swore, they yelled at each other, it was almost a non ending day that still tastes of bitterness in both of their memories.

Two years later, they decided they were going to move into their first apartment just the two of them, and God thought “Well I guess I have to up the ante.”

The last few days have been some of the worst in my life.  So the bf and I are trying to move into this beautiful apartment, not too far from our current.  1 bedroom very spacious, lovely kitchen with a DISHWASHER on a beautiful corner overlooking a treelined street on one side and a park on the other.

Going in we knew this apartment would be a lot of work.  The application required us to deal with a broker and requested more references and sources than I have ever been required (contracts, letters of recommendation, tax returns bank statements, reference of employment etc.)

All that was turned in well over 2 weeks ago, and then we played the waiting game.  See we need to be approved by the person who owns the apartment and renting it out, the management company that owns the building, and the co op overseeing the building.  As time passed and we weren’t hearing anything we kept getting more and more antsy but heard nothing from our broker.

It was almost moving day still no sign off, he says they are rushing it, they are trying to get someone to approve us, they are working no one knows what the problem is.  All the while we are saying “we have to move out the 31, we HAVE to move the 31, what do we need to do to be approved by the 31.”  We were told not to cancel anything (moving truck, friends helping, packing old apartment, painting old apartment) so the 31 we went and got our truck.

Since we still had no word by that morning we moved out our room mate first, after that we called the broker who told us our application had been lost in management and no one had even looked at it yet.  Aka you’re not moving today.

Well that was stressful, but we handled it with stride, we called our current landlord and we were allowed to stay a few days at a pro rated cost.

The next day we found out, IF we get approved for this new place it won’t be till mid September.  We freak out again, so we call our landlord and are then told we have to fax in a request for a September 30 move out date.  We couldn’t move out on the 15, they needed us to commit for the whole month.  Our new place was ok with us pushing the lease start to October 1, so we dodged another bullet.

Today we faxed in our request and got a call about 20 minutes later, that that was not indeed an option, if we didn’t move out in the next day our lease would automatically renew, and while we are bound to this new apartment we would have 2 leases for a year.  Panic, fear, anxiety, stress.

These two boys have so many wonderful friends in the city who all offered us a place to stay, for the whole month if need be.  That was so great to know, it really eased our minds.  The problem is we have an apartment full of furniture and our lives and had no place to put that, nor any way to get it anywhere.

I had about 3 hours where I just paced my apartment never sitting down waiting to hear from several people about what our options were.  I cried in that time, I started screaming, I’ve been in a bad place these last few days.

In the end we are signing a few contracts with various parties that pretty much sets us up for the month of september and allows us to move into our new place at the end of the month (so long as we get this apartment, if we’re not approved that’s a whole different story)

I haven’t been sleeping well, I’ve just been stressed, and today was icing on the cake.  I finally decided I would take myself to a dance class, it’s very zen for me, helps me step out of my body and calm down for a while.

I stepped off the subway and within a few steps I got shit on by a bird.  I walked to a bench and literally broke down.  I’ve been shit on a lot the last few days, now even by birds.  about 20 minutes passed and I just started crying harder, in the middle of central park kind of delirious.

Enter the bf, who calls to calm me down.  I snap at him that I don’t want to talk and he spends the next 15 minutes calming me down, centering me, making me realize there are positive and exciting things coming up and the great place we have gotten to, and how proud we should be of ourselves.

This whole experience has been just as hard if not harder on him.  I was still doing a show in Boston until monday and he’d been dealing with almost everything, and here I am breaking down and he is there being the most incredible guy, just trying to make me realize how good of a position we are finally in.  That guy is just the most amazing guy in the world, I have said this a million times in the last few days, I could not have gotten through the last week without him.  Bottom line.

So I went to the columbus circle bathroom and washed myself off, walked up to dance, still not sure I would actually take one, decided I should and I’ll be honest I kinda rocked tonight.  Yeah that’s not even remotely modest, I don’t really give a flying f.  I felt great and grounded and present and for about 2 hours didn’t even think about the things stressing me out in life.

3 months and this positive little anecdote is what I finally return to my blog with.  There was a lot of positive stuff that happened in between.  Once I find where my camera adapter is I’ll upload some photos and try and share on that.  Who knows, maybe I’ll even have a definitive place to live by them (dream big)

This should sound an exact echo of about 2 years ago, but I HATE job searching.  Nothing makes me feel like I lack any useful skills like having to find a survival job.  I think I’m a bad B.S.er because I know that I see incompetence every where, and I constantly think to myself “How did this person get this job?”  And yet I look at places that are hiring, positions that are open, and I can’t help but think “What is my BFA useful for!?”

Don’t get me wrong, over the last 2 years I have gotten way better at going into a room and leaving with an acting gig.  I feel border line competent at that now.  These survival jobs never get easier.

I’m just having minor panic attacks, because as more and more time passes, and my savings go down and down, my anxiety rises, and I start feeling desperate.  I’m not in the danger zone by a long shot yet, but I don’t want to get there either!

Bottom line, I want a job.  I want the money, and frankly I would like to have something to do other than wait around for auditions to start back up.

In the mean while, I’m glad the weather has turned around.  I love summer weather and sun, and that grey stuff we were getting wasn’t doing anything to help my mood.

So pray for me folks.  Thanks.

PS, I’ll try and write more tonight on happier subject matter.

But I am going to get this done with like a band aid.

Rip it strait off.

So the Bf and I flew into AZ (I brought my spring allergies with me) on wednesday (like 3 weeks ago) and spent about one night at my AZ home before we took off for our car ride across the desert to California…

We stayed with my younger (aka little) brudder in Cali, so we drove out to Pasadena where he currently goes to school.  He was on spring break (as a senior) and I finally managed to see his campus…just before he left it

Part of the reason we went out to california was to get a feel for the life style out there.  Neither the bf nor I are particularly fond of the coldness of NYC so we wanted to see what it was like out west.  So our first full day in CA was spent driving around trying to get a feel for the neighborhoods we might live in as well as dipping our toes in the pacific ocean and enjoying the warm weather.

Then for our weekend on the opposite coast we went to…

DISNEYLAND!!!!!

Now for those who are unaware, I am obsessed with Disneyland.  It represents so much that I lvoed from my childhood.  The magical lands represent a perfect version of a period in time that never truly existed.  Frontier land, inspired by a moment in US History that never really happened.  I also have endless childhood memories attached to the place (when I went to Disnyeworld I was upset because I didn’t recognize it as well as Disneyland where I grew up)

My papa even flew out for the day just so he could spend a magical day at the happiest place on earth with his two youngest sons!

At the beginning of the day we went on Indiana Jones, and ended up riding the ride so hard that it broke down in the middle and we had to be evacuated, and consequently got emergency re-admintance passes to any ride of our choice.  Those passes helped make the rest of the day pass enjoyably

Just some amazing pictures of the day…

Father and son getting ready for some soaring, over California

The bf and I just enjoying a day at the magical kingdom.  I promised him 4 years ago I would take him to Disneyland, and just shy of 4 years latter I made good on my promise.  We had such an amazing time, the weather was great, the company was perfect, it was an incredible trip that we both loved so much.  I’ll post one more picture from Disneyland, despite the fact I have hundreds more (it’s taking my computer forever to load these)

We had one more day in LA after this epic 20day disney adeventure which we primarily spent driving (aka stuck in traffic).  We were still trying to get a feel for the different neighborhoods, so got our fair share of santa monica, venice beach, studio city, west hollywood, and pasadena.  And then we finally drove our way back to Phoenix.

The second half of our trip was spent in the desert enjoying some well deserved rest and relaxation.  I got to spend some catch up time with my family as well as sleep r and r.

After several years of trying I also got the bf to finally hike camelback mountain with me!

He didn’t entirely realize how intense of a hike this was going to be

Now the real reason we made this trip is because of two very special people.  You see my grandparents both turned 80 this year, during the same month, and so there was a small gathering we had (understatement) to celebrate 160 amazing years!!!  So while we were home the entire family got together to have a wonderful celebration.  It was incredibly fun because the whole family was finally together.

I really meant for this post to be so much more than this.  But I am absolutely exhausted and my computer is working so slowly that I feel all of the elements are working against me.  But I’m glad I ahve this post done.  This vacation was one of the best I have ever had.  I hadn’t seen my family in such a long time, it was a treat to spend my spring break with them.

Ultimately I wish I lived closer to them all, and I hope some day in the future that will be made a reality.  I have one of the best families who are so supportive and incredible, I miss them but love that I can have such an amazing time with them when I have the opportunity

I’m actually about to run out the door to go see my friend in a reading, so I’m just going to leave you all with this little gem.

It really has gotten me through some tough times…

Like you would love nothing more than jumping into a car, and driving until the gas ran out in the middle of nowhere, but with the freedom of knowing that there was nothing behind you to tie you down to that which you left behind.

I have too much baggage to ever accomplish such a feat.  I can not leave my family, my friends, my everything.  I know if I ever tried I would be left with nothing but regrets and loneliness.

But the open highway still has a siren call.  A freedom, a chance to start over.  An ability to run away from everything and start over.  Or not even start over, continue without anything tying me back to the past.

The future seems so much easier.  There is so much in my past, and even more in my present that establishes a reality that I am tempted to run away from.  That reality is called adulthood.  I have so many feelings and responsibilities which in recent weeks have been overwhelming, but they are the reality of growing older and I wish I was better at embracing, but alas I shrink away from more often than not.

Today, the present, now, it holds anxiety and stress I want to run away from.  I wish I could go back in time to those moments when I didn’t care about anything, where I wasn’t stressed about anything.  But that is not real life.

The plains, the heartland of america are this open area where the horizon seems limitless.  There is so much ahead of you that it doesn’t matter where you go.  Someone close to me recently said that they saw an awful lot in the review mirror but not too much open road ahead of them.  For personal reasons I was really distressed to hear them say this, but it is also an image that struck way to close to home.

I am 24 years old, and I want to feel less daunted by the road I see ahead of me.  But currently it seems blocked by barriers and other obstacles that I don’t want to see.  I want open highway.  I way limitless horizon.  That is not the reality of life, The road would not be worth driving if there wasn’t something blocking the way to make it interesting,

But that doesn’t mean I can’t hope for freedom

In terms of productivity, I did make it to the gym and the store and I did shower and get some online/tax stuff done today.  Gosh just typing that sentence even felt like a feat.

So fun news of the past week, I got a job (of the acting nature) not really gonna talk about it yet, but that at least was reassuring and comforting, knowing I can still book something (a fear that always plagues me).  Also this past week was much better on the audition front than the week before.

I got to catch up with a bunch of friends finally, the final step in my return to New York  Sunday I got to have brunch (lunch) with some of my closest friends from AZ.  It was so fun seeing them, I love our brunches because somehow it always feels like no time has passed since I had last seen them.  Also they are doing SO FREAKING WELL!  I’m so mad proud of my AZ crowd representing in NY and taking names!

Other than that I took an incredibly intense ballet class with one of my friends and then bummed around the city for awhile in search of food, hung out at my friends place (trying to keep him company as he’s in the process of moving out), auditioned, went out with friends to celebrate a friends bday, auditioned, played piano for an audition, auditioned again, went to a guys and dolls reunion, saw some play that I couldn’t tell you all that much about, and finished up last night by walking around New York trying to find a place to eat at 12:30, to no avail.

Anyone else ever have the problem that if you are wandering New York with no predetermined destination (especially for food) you can never find anything that meets the requirements you’re looking for.  Example last night we just wanted a Diner or a sit down Pizza place.  45 minutes of walking around the city THAT NEVER SLEEPS and we didn’t find a single one that was open.  Part of the problem is I am hopeless outside of my own neighborhood.

I have 1 and a half more weeks until I head out to AZ for a while and I can’t wait!!!!!  First of all, I want a tan so bad, second I want to go for a hike like whoa, and third I get to see my family!!!!  Can’t wait to be on the opposite coast for a while and in the southwest.

I think one of the first posts I ever did was on my love for the desert and how much Arizona means to me, and that is as true today as it was then, but I’m so removed today from that world (having not been there for 10 months and before that about 8 months) it now represents something completely different to me.  AZ isn’t really home to me anymore, it’s the home of my family.

That is not to say I don’t look at Arizona as a type of home, because my family is my home, but I only ever lived in Arizona for 4 years, and I haven’t lived there for 6 now.  I’m sad about that.  But lets be honest I’m not moving back there any time soon.  For all my love for that state I won’t exactly call it a cultural hub, and the state has also certainly seen better days.

So finally you guys, the oscars are tomorrow!  I am really excited!  I haven’t filled out a sheet or anything, I’m not even sure what I’m doing, but I can’t wait for them!  I haven’t seen the Social Network (I know I’m even ashamed of me) so I should be on the SN or King’s Speech side.  But King’s Speech was seriously amazing.  I’m really just excited to see what James Franco and Anne Hathaway pull out, because I don’t think of either of them as the charismatic award show hosting type.  But hey maybe they’ll prove me wrong.

Enjoy this picture

I fully expect this video to go viral, but that is a group effort so feel free to pass on if you want.

Be impressed

So I’m coming to you live from Starbucks today.  It is such a nice day out, I finally got to pack up my stuff and go for a good long walk around the city.  This is in an effort to clear my head, because it has felt awfully cloudy for a while now.

There are some things money just can’t buy, for everything else there’s blaring pop music at full blast directly into your ears while stomping down Fifth Avenue.

Being back in the city means that I am back to the audition grind.  I’ll be honest it hasn’t been going very well.  I’ve physically shown up to about 5-6 auditions in the past week, I’m still waiting for my brain to make it to 1.  Each call I’ve been at (this is going to sound horrible) I haven’t even been motivated by a desire to book a job, and so my heart hasn’t been in anything I’m doing.

Call it a slump if you will, they’re bound to happen.  I’ve been thinking about it a lot today and I have pretty much narrowed down the cause of this slump to 2 things.

First of all is a general lack of feeling fierce.  I haven’t been feeling all that great about myself and it’s hard to really sell something when I feel that way.  I’ve already done a whole post on confidence and how draining it can be trying to hold onto while auditioning so I won’t beat that horse.

I need to start finding a class to enroll in or some program that allows me to start exploring what I do as a student again, because my mind has been on the career side of the equation recently and that is getting draining.   I hate to think that I could end up one of those actors that burns out before the age of 30.  But I haven’t had the opportunity to blow life into a performance the way I’m most passionate in a long time.  I’m starting to feel starved for it.

Second, I don’t want to leave New York again.  I’m really tired of doing it.  I don’t want to leave my home for a while and it’s hard to get myself pumped up enough to secure a job with that intention.

Now both of these reasons have come across really negatively, but I don’t mean them to come off that strongly.  I’m content being me at home right now, and with that comfortable status quo I don’t want things to change again.

On the topic of burning out that is exactly what is happening right now.  A nap would be real good right now because I think that I am about 2 seconds from falling asleep, which sucks because I’m at least 40 minutes away from my apartment.  My body has been doing this to me a lot recently, actually calling for rest in the middle of the day.

Odd, considering I am not really doing a whole lot with my days to begin with that now is when my body is calling for it.  I usually avoid too much napping because I don’t sleep well the night after, but I haven’t had that problem the last few days.  Maybe this is just another example of me stepping into middle age.

No I’m not middle aged yet, just starting to step in that direction.