A Lesson in Awesomeness

I wish it had rained today, then I wouldn’t have felt so guilty for how much a waste it was.  This past week I have been very busy and I finally had a day off, so I kinda ran with it.  And by ran I mean laid down on the couch.

In terms of productivity, I did make it to the gym and the store and I did shower and get some online/tax stuff done today.  Gosh just typing that sentence even felt like a feat.

So fun news of the past week, I got a job (of the acting nature) not really gonna talk about it yet, but that at least was reassuring and comforting, knowing I can still book something (a fear that always plagues me).  Also this past week was much better on the audition front than the week before.

I got to catch up with a bunch of friends finally, the final step in my return to New York 😉  Sunday I got to have brunch (lunch) with some of my closest friends from AZ.  It was so fun seeing them, I love our brunches because somehow it always feels like no time has passed since I had last seen them.  Also they are doing SO FREAKING WELL!  I’m so mad proud of my AZ crowd representing in NY and taking names!

Other than that I took an incredibly intense ballet class with one of my friends and then bummed around the city for awhile in search of food, hung out at my friends place (trying to keep him company as he’s in the process of moving out), auditioned, went out with friends to celebrate a friends bday, auditioned, played piano for an audition, auditioned again, went to a guys and dolls reunion, saw some play that I couldn’t tell you all that much about, and finished up last night by walking around New York trying to find a place to eat at 12:30, to no avail.

Anyone else ever have the problem that if you are wandering New York with no predetermined destination (especially for food) you can never find anything that meets the requirements you’re looking for.  Example last night we just wanted a Diner or a sit down Pizza place.  45 minutes of walking around the city THAT NEVER SLEEPS and we didn’t find a single one that was open.  Part of the problem is I am hopeless outside of my own neighborhood.

I have 1 and a half more weeks until I head out to AZ for a while and I can’t wait!!!!!  First of all, I want a tan so bad, second I want to go for a hike like whoa, and third I get to see my family!!!!  Can’t wait to be on the opposite coast for a while and in the southwest.

I think one of the first posts I ever did was on my love for the desert and how much Arizona means to me, and that is as true today as it was then, but I’m so removed today from that world (having not been there for 10 months and before that about 8 months) it now represents something completely different to me.  AZ isn’t really home to me anymore, it’s the home of my family.

That is not to say I don’t look at Arizona as a type of home, because my family is my home, but I only ever lived in Arizona for 4 years, and I haven’t lived there for 6 now.  I’m sad about that.  But lets be honest I’m not moving back there any time soon.  For all my love for that state I won’t exactly call it a cultural hub, and the state has also certainly seen better days.

So finally you guys, the oscars are tomorrow!  I am really excited!  I haven’t filled out a sheet or anything, I’m not even sure what I’m doing, but I can’t wait for them!  I haven’t seen the Social Network (I know I’m even ashamed of me) so I should be on the SN or King’s Speech side.  But King’s Speech was seriously amazing.  I’m really just excited to see what James Franco and Anne Hathaway pull out, because I don’t think of either of them as the charismatic award show hosting type.  But hey maybe they’ll prove me wrong.

Enjoy this picture 😉

Raise Your Glass

The other day the bf and I helped one of our friends choreograph a dance to P!nks “Raise Your Glass.”

I fully expect this video to go viral, but that is a group effort so feel free to pass on if you want.

Be impressed 😉

I made it before the end of the day

Written earlier today-finally posted now 🙂

So I’m coming to you live from Starbucks today.  It is such a nice day out, I finally got to pack up my stuff and go for a good long walk around the city.  This is in an effort to clear my head, because it has felt awfully cloudy for a while now.

There are some things money just can’t buy, for everything else there’s blaring pop music at full blast directly into your ears while stomping down Fifth Avenue.

Being back in the city means that I am back to the audition grind.  I’ll be honest it hasn’t been going very well.  I’ve physically shown up to about 5-6 auditions in the past week, I’m still waiting for my brain to make it to 1.  Each call I’ve been at (this is going to sound horrible) I haven’t even been motivated by a desire to book a job, and so my heart hasn’t been in anything I’m doing.

Call it a slump if you will, they’re bound to happen.  I’ve been thinking about it a lot today and I have pretty much narrowed down the cause of this slump to 2 things.

First of all is a general lack of feeling fierce.  I haven’t been feeling all that great about myself and it’s hard to really sell something when I feel that way.  I’ve already done a whole post on confidence and how draining it can be trying to hold onto while auditioning so I won’t beat that horse.

I need to start finding a class to enroll in or some program that allows me to start exploring what I do as a student again, because my mind has been on the career side of the equation recently and that is getting draining.   I hate to think that I could end up one of those actors that burns out before the age of 30.  But I haven’t had the opportunity to blow life into a performance the way I’m most passionate in a long time.  I’m starting to feel starved for it.

Second, I don’t want to leave New York again.  I’m really tired of doing it.  I don’t want to leave my home for a while and it’s hard to get myself pumped up enough to secure a job with that intention.

Now both of these reasons have come across really negatively, but I don’t mean them to come off that strongly.  I’m content being me at home right now, and with that comfortable status quo I don’t want things to change again.

On the topic of burning out that is exactly what is happening right now.  A nap would be real good right now because I think that I am about 2 seconds from falling asleep, which sucks because I’m at least 40 minutes away from my apartment.  My body has been doing this to me a lot recently, actually calling for rest in the middle of the day.

Odd, considering I am not really doing a whole lot with my days to begin with that now is when my body is calling for it.  I usually avoid too much napping because I don’t sleep well the night after, but I haven’t had that problem the last few days.  Maybe this is just another example of me stepping into middle age.

No I’m not middle aged yet, just starting to step in that direction.

A Cookie Sounds Real Good Right Now

I’m making an effort to post most every (if not every other) day.  However the majority of my day was devoted to a project that is not ready for mass consumer viewing.  So I’ve been consciously stocking up on things like “In My Next Life” to share.  You know, little moments of zen that will hopefully bring a smile to your face.

I’ll probably just start stocking up on actual posts and then post some back ups for days like today where i just don’t have the energy to write.

By the way, a cookie sounds like real good right now.

In My Next Life

Courtesy of Woody Allen:

A Few Thoughts on Confidence

My mind has been all over the place this last week.  Not to beat a dead horse but I feel a little strange when I come home after having been gone for any extended period of time.  Life does, after all, go on without me while I’m gone and I have to play catch up to this fast paced city and I’m not always good about hitting the ground running when I get back.

Having said that, the first week has passed, I’m feeling more at home and happy to be back in my routine.

So beyond that, I am currently in my sophomore year of life (I attend the school of hard knock).  It has been a pretty good year so far-definitely better than last year.  I’m not terrified daily and flying blindly through my life on a wing and a prayer-which is nice.  Last year I didn’t know what I was doing or what was going on around me to the point that I was optimistic just out of ignorance.

Where I am today seems a clear echo of where I was 4 years ago, the last time I was a sophomore.  That year stands out in my mind as one of the hardest in my life.  I was emotionally rocky a lot of the time and lived with a lot of sadness that I didn’t know how to deal with.  Now I wasn’t depressed or anything, but the year felt very dark and very heavy to me.

I took things very seriously that year and that was reflected in every aspect of my life.  My relationships, my work you name it.  Nothing was just about a moment in the present, there was a lesson to be learned or something that had to be examined.  I could be better if I just had the self awareness that I saw in the people around me.  I was a quintessential sophomore-stupid yet wise.  I didn’t know anything but thought I knew everything.  I know for a fact that I didn’t know anything, because I still don’t.

I was so into self discovery and analyzation.  Wanting to know more about myself, what I think-feel-believe-want-hate-like-etc.  However that internal examination became very isolating over time, and I was to realize that to worry about myself in that kind of isolation is not only frankly a narcissistic exercise, it’s pointless.

It’s amazing how much time we put thought into wondering what other people are thinking about us, when in reality they are probably just wondering what we think about them.

When I am happiest is when I take the pressure off of myself of having to be liked, or accepted or anything that comes from  another person.  Because that acceptance just never comes.  But I am human and it seems a part of my condition that that need will never really go away.

That’s one of the reasons I enjoy being around one particular guy the amount that I do, because going through life doesn’t feel like it’s split up as “the world’s acceptance” vs. “my self confidence.”  He is a witness to my life and I to his.  He makes me feel that I can be right even when he’s telling me I’m wrong, because this black and white battlefield of right and wrong no longer applies to us.

We are such different human beings in the way we see the world and choose to live in it, but I can’t help but think that we at least are living in the same world.

I love him so much and just don’t function as well anymore when I’m not around him.

But going back in time, it’s always scary to get back from a job not knowing when/if I’ll ever work again.  I obviously hope and believe that I will or I wouldn’t be doing what I do.  But in the business I have chosen my self confidence takes a daily beating-even on the days where I am “succeeding.”  I wish I had a stronger backbone for it.  At least I’m working on building one right now.

I really wanted to finish this post with a picture that perfectly captures the tone I wanted this post to be read with in mind:

Can You Say Social Butterfly?

This is going to be a short and somewhat pointless post, but at least it’s not coming 3 months from now.

My life is a little boring sometimes, I recognize this for myself.  I’m not complaining by any stretch of the imagination.  It’s well within my power to entertain myself, I live in flippin New York City, but I and the bf are total homebodies and 10 times out of 10 end up spending the night at home.

I exaggerate, I do spend times at other people’s homes too.  WINK.

Anywho, I say all that to preface what I’m about to say.  Also I want it to be known that I am not a 38 year old single woman with 5 cats.

But here I am on a Saturday night, and I got some work done, made some food, played some music and made some recordings (all things off my to do list) and then I turned on TV and what is on but Pride and Prejudice!

I freaking love this movie!  It is the next book on my to read list.  It is so incredibly romantic, what girl doesn’t want to be pursued by their own Mr. Darcy.  Of course I found my own already, but I still can’t help but delight in seeing others on their journey towards theirs.

Yup, that’s my saturday night.  Jealous?

This post is an example of why I love Liz Lemmon so much.  Anyone who hasn’t seen 30 Rock I apologize for the reference.

Back in Action

I haven’t posted in 3 months.  I have definitely not been good about updating.  I apologize.  This is partly because my blog ended up on some website at the beginning of November and the traffic was so high that I felt uncomfortable writing anything.  I’ve also just been lazy.

I’ve been pretty busy since I last updated.  The holiday season was a full one this year even though I didn’t get to go home.  I spent Thanksgiving in DC with the bf and even got back to the city in time to have our own celebration at our apartment.

We ended up spending a lot of time between DC and New York the following month and then got to celebrate our first Christmas together in the city.  It was a little sad not getting to go home for the holidays, but it felt like a huge step into adulthood making Christmas for ourselves.  I baked candies and cookies (just like my momma do) and tried to make our apartment feel as warm as either of our homes would be.

One thing I love about New York is the fact that we have so many friends sharing our experience, so we had plenty of companions to share holiday cheer with.  It was a different holiday than I’ve ever had, but it was great making new memories and traditions.  I really love Christmas so much.

However, I then left to go to Florida for a month to perform Guys and Dolls (I’m gonna do a big post on that later this week) but I was supposed to fly out 2 days after Christmas, so I had to take down all of the decorations the day after Christmas which was absolutely heartbreaking for me.  Granted I did put them up way before any normal person would have (a week before Thanksgiving-don’t judge, I love them and I was too busy after Thanksgiving) so I did have ample time to enjoy them.

But by a strange twist of fate I ended up being stuck in the city for an extra week than I should have.  I’m sure you all heard about that ridiculous blizzard that hit New York on December 26, and all the flights got pushed ridiculously late.  One would think that New York had never seen snow before by the way it reacted in the following days.  Ridiculous.

So then the month of January happened, I did a show and am now back in the city.  It’s always odd for me to come back to the city after a contract.  I don’t want to say I’m an immovable person by nature, but I do not like change.  Once I set into a schedule of sorts I really hate changing.  So coming back to the city is uncomfortable because I’m used to a daily routine that is not supported by this city.

BUT, I am back with my bf!  And there is nothing better than that.  Also, I have been away so much this last year that I feel I have started slipping out of touch with some of my other friends, and that makes me very very sad, because they are very very awesome 😉  I feel like I have lost my grounding in regards to my New York life, and I want to get out of the sky in that aspect of my life.

I’m excited for the next month, even though I am scared at the same time.  Unemployment never sits well with me, nor does auditioning but both are things I’ll eventually (have to) overcome.

Tomorrow I get to start getting my world back together.  Unpacking took a surprisingly long time tonight, but I’m ready to hit the ground running manana.  But before that…

The boyfriend’s almost home from work!!!!!!!!!