Happy Halloween

My time in Ohio is coming to an end, and one of the marks of the end of my contract is the coming of one of my favorite holidays.  I’m sure you can figure out by that I mean Halloween.

It’s an interesting holiday isn’t it?  What does it mean to you?  It doesn’t mean anything to me in a religious sense.  All the pagan backgrounds to this day are kind of lost on me so I can’t say that it is “important” in the way Christmas or Easter are.

A lot of people like to be scared especially around this time of year, and there is nothing I hate more.  I detest slasher movies and I judge people who like them (there’s nothing appealing about them) and then straight up scary movies often leave me with mental images that refuse to let me sleep for days.  I understand the desire to be scared-the adrenaline rush and all, but it’s not for me.

My Halloween is more a celebration of my childhood.  Those disney halloween movies, nickelodeon specials, etc.  This year though I have been so busy and my nights are usually occupied by my show and so I haven’t had much time to enjoy the Halloween season.  I made a Jack O’Lantern.  That’s about the extent of it.

But tonights episode of Glee frankly just made me want to watch the actual Rocky Horror Picture Show as well as other Halloween movies I know and love.  Thus I currently have Hocus Pocus playing as I write.

When I was looking through my DVDs in an effort to figure out what movie I wanted to watch I got close to putting in Harry Potter (appropriate I think) and that as well as the recent previews for the upcoming first installment of the Deathly Hallows got me really excited.  I can’t wait for the midnight premier in about 3 weeks, and it looks so good!

I don’t understand how this post came to be.  I meant to talk about how much I love Hocus Pocus and it became a senseless rant about something that strikes me as trivial.  But I love the idea of Halloween.  It’s a wonder that I look forward to rejoicing in with my children someday.  Trick or Treating is the best, Disney specials are the best, and being scared is just silly.

This is what I’m talking about

You know how in my last post I was talking about how I miss being around things that inspire me?  This is what I’m talking about.

This is one of my friends new music videos.  She blows me out of the water.  Not only is she beautiful, talented, an amazing composer/singer/musician, she has the drive and passion to make things this kick ass!

Yup, I hit that point

So, I have been in Ohio for 2 months almost to the day, and I have to say I am hitting that point.  As I pointed out with my last post, after all my family had come to see the show I was nervous about how slowly the rest of my run was going to go.  Actually I feel as though the last 2 weeks have flown by with relative ease.

But I’m hitting that point.  This is a very long run, and it is hard to continue doing a show for this length of time.  First of all there is the need to keep things fresh and interesting for myself.  When doing a long run of a show it is not uncommon to hold rehearsals in an effort to maintain the energy and joy in a show.  We have not had said rehearsals.

I am also used to moving from show to show and not resting in choreography for too long.  So there is the issue of being artistically fulfilled.

Now while doing a show for as long as I have it is not surprising that I am getting a little bit restless and feeling less than fulfilled at the moment.  I take almost all of the blame for feeling flat myself.  I am getting to dance great choreography every single day with a wonderful partner.  I am actively employed in the profession I love, there should be great joy in my work every single day.  Yet there isn’t and I have to examine why.

First, I am away from the bf.  I miss him.  Nough said.  I don’t do well being away from my greatest inspiration in life, and my craft does not reflect brilliance when inspiration is lacking.  Thus it is not surprising that my work is not as inspired as I would hope.  A part of myself has been missing in my work.

However I should be able to call upon myself every night when the curtain comes up.  I won’t sell myself short, I take great pride in my work.  I often joke that I put a simple 70% into my work every night, and frankly that’s just not true.  I am too proud to not make an effort to dance as well as possible every night.  Of course there are shows that lag more than others, but I honestly never feel like I’ve phoned in a show in my life.

I just know what I am capable of and when I’m not reaching the highest level of my capability I am left feeling empty and wanting.  And that is where I have been the last couple of weeks which returns me to where I started.  Why am I in this lag?

I audition for months and am excited beyond belief when I am finally cast in something and then here I am in the middle of a run taking it for granted?

I’m young, and these muscles (those necessary for maintaining a long run) are in development, and clearly need a little work on my part.  I am genuinely grateful that I have been given the opportunity to discover this aspect of myself.

I’m mentally all over the place right now, what can I say.  I am really excited to get home and bee around my new york family again.

P.S. I feel as though I actually babbled incesently for this entire entry and that it made absolutely no sense.  I’m sure I’ll come back to this in the morning and realize it needs a touch up, but until then, please send good vibes and energy in my direction.  I’m looking for inspiration, hopefully it will come.

Also, in an effort to feel a bit more like myself I am doing what I always do when feeling a crises of identity, I’m watching Harry Potter (and the Goblet of Fire to be exact)

The Halfway Visit

Greetings from Ohio.  So I am about halfway through the run of my show, and I was blessed with two visits this last week.  They couldn’t have come at a better time, though now that they are over I can’t help feeling a little sad.

First of all, the bf and his mom drove in from DC on Wednesday night.  My god was it good to see him.  One of the women in my cast put it perfectly.  Sensing that once again I was in a happy, centered place she reflected that it’s nice to be reminded you can feel complete again.  I actually cried just writing that.

I love him so much and have spent too much time away from him in recent months and I feel like there is a part of myself missing when he isn’t with me.  I miss his companionship, his witticism, and his grounding effect on me.  He got to stay for about 2 and a half days which was nice but obviously not enough.  I was feeling really low when he left on saturday.

But there was a silver lining.  My mother and my sister in law came in on saturday night to see my show sunday.  I haven’t seen them since I went home for my family reunion this July.  I had a really great time, again being around my family centers me, picks me up, and in an entirely different way makes me feel a little more complete.

Today I had the day off, so we drove down to the Township of Anderson, where I used to live 15 years ago.  We hit all of the old haunts.  We saw the old neighborhood, the old house, the swim club where I spent my summers, the church where I spent a lot of time and went to preschool, my elementary school, the place where we used to go to get ice cream (and of course got some ourselves).

15 years, I swear it looked as though nothing had changed.  Memory after memory came flooding back, it was a trip man.  It fascinating to look at the world with the eyes I have today vs. how I saw it when I was 9.  But I can definitely say, we had a pretty killer home when we lived here.

I just had to say adieu to my mom and sister cause they had to catch a flight back to AZ.  So now I’m here feeling a little grey (not helped by virtue of the fact that it has been completely overcast the last 3 days).  I have the rest of the day and tomorrow off and I really feel the need to be active, and actively around people.

I have been fighting a lonely feeling since I got here.  Being away from home and the people I love is always hard, but I have felt fairly isolated since I got here.  Part of it is because I live in a bubble, where anything that I might NEED I have right around me.  But I don’t have to freedom to move around.  I get the feeling often that I’m trapped, and partly I have done this to myself.  I’m not always the best at saying yes to things.  When opportunities arise, when events or outings happen, I can get a little stuck in the mud and say “no” in an effort to be safe.  But safe is boring.

The idea that I am going to be here for another month is incredibly daunting.  I am grateful that I am given the opportunity to perform and to do what I love, but it certainly makes me re evaluate what I ultimately want to achieve when I am away from the life I love this long.  That I don’t get to see the bf for 4 weeks breaks my heart, a phone call isn’t enough.  Thank god his power to calm me down knows no bounds.

I’m thinking I’m going to try and pick back up on my writing.  I’ve never really accomplished anything with it, but quite frankly I’ve never really needed it as much as I do now.  Maybe it’s the right time and I have the right motivation.  We will see.

I love you all, I miss you all, I can’t wait to be back and see the faces that I have been missing for what feels like forever.  I hope everyone is enjoying this change of seasons.  I love that Halloween is just around the corner, and I do have to say Ohio knows how to make it look and feel like Halloween.