Back in Boston

So I am back in Boston, and I have to say it feels really weird.  It is odd coming back to the place I lived for the last 4 years only to pack up and leave.  I felt out of place from the moment I stepped off the plane because my bond to this city was Emerson College, but I am no longer tied to that school – and it was more than a school to me; it was the source of my social activities, my passions, and even my part time job.  Everything I did in Boston was through Emerson, and without that I feel lost here.

My trip was ironically fast.  I didn’t really want to get back to Boston, so of course it was the only time I’ve flown here without a delay, we landed 20 minutes early, I waited maybe 3 minutes for my bag to come out, and I was first in line at the taxi stand.

When I got back to my apartment, I lasted about 10 minutes before I had to leave.  I just walked out the front door and started wandering.  I felt like my chest was about to burst because I have so many emotions coursing through me, and then I got to this empty apartment which is half moved out of already and I just couldn’t handle it.  The weather was mercifully nice so I walked for almost two hours.

I think I am just scared right now.  I’ve had plans for what I’m going to do for a very long time, but now is the time when I’m actually carrying out those plans and it is terrifying.  There’s a lot of uncertainty in my life at the moment, and when I analyze moving to New York and getting a job it’s not that bad.  But there is a dam in my chest which is about to break that holds all the anxiety and uncertainty I am capable of.

I got to spend some time with one of my friends and my room mate last night, and that was the breath of sanity I needed.  I know I’m not the only one who just graduated who feels like I do and that is comforting too.  I need to get out of Boston as quickly as possible because it feels like such a toxic environment for me, but I’m scared to get to New York.  I’m scared of being lonely, I’m scared of being idle, I’m scared of a lot of things.  But I want out of this apartment ASAP.

My incentive to leave was great enough that I got up early and started packing, picked up boxes, and am already pretty much boxed up and packed for New York.  I even have my ticket to go down tomorrow around 12:30.  I’m so lucky to also have a wonderful boyfriend waiting for me, I’m not sure if I would be able to do all this without him, but that’s why he is the most amazing guy in the world.  Well that and about 1,000 other things.

I am hoping for wonderful things in New York.  I’m glad I spent last summer there because that takes some of the edge off, I don’t get how some people pack up and move to the city having never been there on a whim.

So all in all, I have a lot of emotions, they’re all getting a little confused right now, I’m hoping to get a jump when I get to New York.  But let me tell you one thing, the last thing I want to do right now is be on a bus by myself for 4 hours.

One final thing, mad shout out to my sister in law who got a job in Tucson today!!!  Now throw those prayers for employment my way, she don’t need them no more!

Things I Will Miss/Love Most…

Things I will miss most slash love most about Arizona:

• Sunsets.  There is no better sunset than the one you get in the desert.  Hawaii is famous for them and I’ve seen it, friends tell me how pretty they are in places they’ve been and I’m sure they are pretty…but, they don’t come like they do in the desert anywhere else.
• Orange Blossoms.  I haven’t been home for a blooming of these in years, but it is one of my all time favorite smells in the world!
• Desert rain.  I got one of these while I was home.  The desert can seem like a very desolate place, but I have always thought of it as being asleep.  When it rains, the entire landscape opens up and comes to life.  Also the drama of the storms we get here is breathtaking.  Electric storm followed by sandstorm followed by the rain.  And the smell of the desert right when the rain starts.  I hold onto my memories of smell very closely because they charge so many emotions and also because they’re something I could never describe in a way to make someone else understand.
• Doves.  My room’s vent system has to lead outside to right where some doves have roosted, and this goes back at least four years.  Waking up I hear them cooing every day and I could never get tired of it.
• Mountains.  I miss them when I’m on the east coast.  You don’t appreciate them until they’re gone.
• Serenity.  I like coming home because it puts me in a more peaceful state of being than the concrete jungle of New York.  I love running in my neighborhood if for no other reason than I might not see a single person during my run, or hear anything that isn’t natural.
• My family.  There is no greater foundation of support and love out there in the world.  My family amazes me and blesses my life everyday, with their kindness, their compassion, their steadfast care for me and one another, their support, their loyalty, their exuberance and zest for life.  I’ve said before that I learned everything about acting from my family.  I’m not as funny as my family, I’m not as dramatic as my family, I’m not as grounded as my family.  I learn more from observing them be there for one another than I could from any acting class.  Plus they like my boyfriend, and that’s important 😉

And the last thing that I will miss most is just the feeling of being home.  I have lived a fairly nomadic existence in that I have moved across the country several times in my young life, but Arizona has always been there.  My parents grew up here and so we visited all the time and when we finally moved here about 8 years ago, it felt like coming home.

Even though I have been away at school for over 4 years, I still consider AZ my home, and at 8 years it’s the longest I’ve ever lived anywhere in my life.  I don’t know when I will get to come back but I know I’ll be extremely happy when the time comes.  

Its been a great break, and now I think I’m ready to tackle the world…

Happy Birthday Brudder!

First of all I have to do a quick shout out to my younger brother who is turning 21 today.  Congrats bro, and world you have been warned.

Time keeps slipping away from me, I only have one more day in Arizona.  Right now I am scheduled to get back to Boston Thursday night and then I am packing up my apartment as quickly as possible so that I can get down to New York.  I’m not moving my stuff yet because my lease in Boston goes till September 1, which is the same day I am looking to start a lease in New York.  In the meantime, I’ll be down in the apple staying with the bf while I search for apartments and apply for jobs.

Considering the adventure that I am about to begin (moving to New York, starting an acting career) I am excited to document the whole experience on my blog.  My life tends to border on the line between sitcom and soap opera, and I just have to imagine I’ll be getting into enough shenanigans to keep the world entertained for at least a year.  Even though they aren’t fun when they happen, I pray I have some horror stories about auditioning in New York coming soon.  For one thing, I love a good story.  For another, I hate auditioning and have never felt like it’s the place where I shine the most-but practice makes perfect.

I’m also really looking forward to being in the epicenter of American Theatre.  I’ve never seen theatre in New York that wasn’t playing between 42 and 60 street (aka street/guerilla/avant guard/cabaret theatre) and I’m excited to not only see less conventional theatre but to be a part of it too.

I feel like such an adult all of a sudden.  The other night I had a meeting with my parents where we discussed my future and goals as well as financial budget.  The thing that has been the weirdest to think about and start dealing with is insurance.  I’m still far from independent, but I am certainly making steps in that direction.  Its exciting!

A Look at the Past

A few weeks ago my brother and I dressed up as wizards and headed out to go to the movies.  For the past 7 years I have attended every single Harry Potter midnight release event-be it book or movie-and I was not going to miss Half Blood Prince.  When we were driving to the theatre my brother estimated that we would get there and discover one of two things, either a full crowd of Harry Potter fans in similar costume, or barely anyone there and none in costume.  I am sad to say that it turned out to be the latter.

The reason why I think no one else was in costume is because most everyone else in the theatre was at least 5 years younger than me.  They didn’t grow up with Harry the way my friends and I have, and I understand that they may love the tale of the boy wizard, but they didn’t experience it the way I did.  It’s kind of like even though I love Star Wars, there is nothing quite like sitting in the theatre and hearing “I am your father” for the first time.  For the record, I was there for that one.

One of my younger brother’s friends posted this story on facebook a few days ago: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/23/fashion/23nostalgia.html?_r=5 

It’s about how Generation Y (roughly people who were born between 1980 and 1998) are starting to become incredibly nostalgic about their childhood (sound like a common theme yet?)  I for one truly miss old school Nickelodeon-the new All That stinks-and it can’t be coincidence that the highest grossing tour of the year is the queen of Generation Y herself, Britney Spears.

I believe that our generation had to face reality very abruptly.  We were children during the Clinton administration and then as we went into our teenage years we experienced September 11, probably one of the most important days in Generation Y’s collective life, and now as we are graduating we have to venture into the world of unemployment made possible by the current economic climate.

It’s a really rough time to be graduating (trust me I know, every commencement speaker in the country drilled this into the class of 2009) so of course we want to go back to easier times.  I would stay in any Saturday night this fall if I had SNICK to look forward to-minus Are You Afraid of the Dark, that show scared me.

On some level I feel like my affection for Harry Potter is an odd attempt for me to reclaim my own youth, which was just an easier time than the present.  I’m also glad to know that I’m not the only nostalgic member of my generation.

I would post a picture here to bring my message home, but I can’t figure out how to do that yet…

A Walk in Arizona by Sunset

I have been inside most of the day.  It’s Arizona in July, you can’t expect much else when it’s in the 100’s most of the day.  But finally the sun started setting and I decided to go for a walk.

I have always loved going for walks, but there’s something about Arizona.  I really love this state, it has so much beauty.  For four years I lived in Boston, and I would walk several miles per day.  I would walk to class, I would walk to the subway, I would walk to _________.  I am not sure if I ever just walked, and when I did my head was looking at the ground most of the time.

Tonight I went out the front door and let my feet take me where I was going.  It’s still a little warmer than is exactly comfortable, but the sun is setting instead of beating down on me, and the sky is a beautiful peach color.  I don’t think I ever looked down during my walk, because around me was so much quiet beauty that there was absolutely no need.

How many times have I driven around my neighborhood since I got home 7 weeks ago?  How often have I appreciated the beauty that surrounds me?  I’m not going to say that I haven’t appreciated it at all, if nothing else I just love being home and that is a sort of appreciation.  

Over the last few days I have been saying “I feel nostalgic, I feel like time is slipping away from me, I feel like I am not soaking in what each moment is worth and then am sad when the moment is gone.”  This is partly why I wanted to go for a walk, just to quietly live in the present and for a short moment truly appreciate being in Arizona.  The effort was worth it.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to live in Arizona again, it appears my life will be taking me elsewhere at least for the next few years.  I would live in Arizona forever if I could, it has always been my favorite place to live and I secretly think of it as my own hidden corner set apart from the world.  I know that it is anything but that, but most of the people I come across in New York or Boston have little knowledge or connection to Arizona, which is why it has always felt like it is “mine.”  I sometimes feel like I’m in a club with all my friends from high school who have moved to New York because we hold this secret together.

I’ll miss dear old Arizona while I’m gone, but it has been great being here for as long as I have this summer.  I don’t leave till thursday, so I would put money on more sentimental blogging.

Welcome to my New Blog

So welcome to this new blog.  I am entering a new chapter in my life, and I felt the need for a little bit of a change.  I also wanted a little bit more anonymity in my blogging, because I am starting life as a young professional, so, I figured I might as well be a little more careful than I have been in the past.  

I wish that I could see the picture at the top of my blog as I write, it looks so fantastical and for whatever reason puts me in the mood to create.  Creation has been my word of choice over the last few days.  I consider myself an artist and so I have wanted to be making art.  Part of this is because I have been home for such a long time and consequently haven’t been as absorbed by the word the inspires me.

Now I live my life in a fantasy word, and so I welcome anyone who reads this to that world.  I promise creation, inspiration, expression and passion.  Above all else I promise honesty.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy my world…

And so it begins

I hereby promise many more posts in the future, all of which will be infinitely more interesting than my first post.

Yes, that is all I have to say for now.