Picture of myself

That picture of me-
Was that taken four years ago?
Or was it last week?
Or last month?
Such cyclical behavior it is hard to separate one memory from the other
With such stunted growth that seemed so profound from my limb, now high above the ground
Has nothing changed but what’s around me?
Did I trade forest floors for canopies of greener hue, but nothing new?
Nothing changes.
No one changes.
I tried to find the best of me and bring him to the surface
I excavated with pen and paper to develop what I should develop and leave what should be left behind
Plagued by self doubt I urge myself to evolve, to grow, to champion, to rise
And four years later I’m still the same
Which is odd since I’m so different.

I met my past self in the mirror today
We didn’t recognize each other
We posed our questions in polite conversation and went our separate ways.
I didn’t care for him much
I wonder if he cared for me.

A man walked in measured gait

A man walked in measure gait

step by step down a crowded hall

all manner of scenes unfolding around him

faces, places, names and time

In solemn dance, pantomime the faded moments of what once were.

Upon the wall, straight ahead, the wall clock ticked in rhythm with each step

Counting down the seconds till the hands would rest at twelve, and never tick again.

One step more, one tick toward the final stroke we walk together.

First he passes scenes he knows, but till just before had forgotten.

Faces look with blank stares,

eyes so familiar,

but names that can’t be recalled

the faces form a sea beside him, waving in symmetry against the tide of the clock.

With each step more faces turn, and spirits walk away

The thinning crowd comes to be replaced with scenery, trees with names, fields with stories

Beautiful and ordinary

He lingers here with eyes piercing, drinking in every drop his memory can savor

his eyes latching upon each rock and blade or grass

each with a hundred memories

each memory with a memory

But the clock counts down.

With so much to see we need more time, the one thing we cannot hope to gain.

Despite himself, he wanders on – further down this relentless hall toward the beating clock

As the scenes fade away his eyes linger last on a pair of eyes looking back

the only eyes in the sea that look his way

They hold a moment longer

Clinging back as the man holds on.

Next he comes upon a room with action under way.

His family sits at a table weighted down with food, with drink, with conversation

Bellies swell as they fill with food and laughter

Chairs dance from spot to spot as guests maneuver up and down the sides of the table following the conversation.

Eyes upon each other, no one notices as he walks by a careful opening

a slit through with the sound is like an explosion

a symphony

clicking and ticking in meter with the clock, reminding the man to take one more step

relentless

one more step.

Further still a new scene plays

but how to describe what he sees?

Nothing familiar about this room

Nothing known within it.

Colors, shapes, sounds, light

Bleeding, pounding, beating

fresh, new, unexpected and unknown

their rhythm veers from all familiarity

their colors excite with fresh, unwitnessed anticipation

this overload of noises and sights

Drink it in

Soak it in

Breathe it in

Eyes witness all you can see

Don’t blink! Don’t turn! Don’t sneeze! Don’t miss!

Each step relentless

Each step in time

Each step stealing precious moments

A chance of something to see

A chance of something to hear.

Pressing pause has no effect

Pausing step has no effect

the ticking still is ticking now

the hands inch closer to their destination.

Stop or walk?

The better choice?

What scene is best to play again?

What step is best to linger

when the hands of time are certain?

The horrid hall, or spinning room

either way disorient, confuse and fluster

all that is known is time is ending

the countdown has begun.

Which direction does he more;

or does he stand, there in the middle

directionless?

O cup, O life!

Once again O cup, O life
You’ve spent yourself dry in the search for gain.
I wasn’t looking so I failed to see
Each precious drop as it spilled from your brim
Or perhaps evaporated slowly, film by film without my notice
How then when you were only half did I not come to ask where your precious gift had gone?
And just an inch then lined your base?
Followed soon by a dried and dusty shell.

The change was slow, I never saw it happen.
When did the first drop fall?
When did you start to dry?
Day by day you looked the same and even when O cup O life you bled empty
I could not see the change.

But now I feel you pouring in
O life! O soul! O spirit! O zest!
I feel so full, I am reborn
I look, I hear anew!
My chest drum pounds in richer tempo
Marching thoughts and stirring feelings
Sets my organs dancing!

Within the glass I see a friend
We haven’t seen each other in some time.
Had I left you?
Had I moved on?
Had I forgotten where to find you?
Or did you leave as every drop spilled from my cup and only return to refresh in forgotten waters
Where ever you’ve been, welcome back
How great to see your face again
Our spirits sing together now, together again
I sing my fill of faces, smiles, hugs and kisses
Wrapped in familiar arms and sung in familiar keys
I see myself in the eyes around me
And in the reflection of those eyes within the glass.

And you, O cup-filled to the brim
Remind me what being empty feels like
Observe, don’t let’s your life spill again!