I heard America singing in the next room

I heard America singing in the next room

The calls and cries of brothers,

sisters, mothers, others

In their sleep their dreams sing out

And every dream the same.

I see myself, so proud so tall

My muscled arm supporting you

Supporting us

Amidst a sea of panicked faces, we pace

So cool, collected

Nothing phases, nothing daunts

We’ve seen it all before.

The songs and sirens of today don’t startle anymore

With age, with time, with experience, with money

Nothing cries as once it did

Except my country

Singing in the other room.

I sing for you, my brothers, my mothers

But I fall short of singing with you.

Without a voice so hoarse from crying

Speeches spoke on my tongue pale to speeches you sang in my time.

What verse can you expect from me?

Who never sang?

Who never heard?

Who never felt?

Because the song was coming from next door

The fault of never venturing out falls on me

I claim the blame

But I was raised and urged to look

For fairer things

For lovely things

And hear the music spewed around me

Bland and simple, elegant, refined

And years later all I have

Are songs of patient melody

That push the next to harmony;

Happy to leave you singing in the next room.

If I raise my voice you’ll hear me

But it’s safe to bet we’ll never see each other

Why am I okay with that?

Because I’m comfortable with that.

The Calling

The sky is calling – so I must go
I hear your song, your beckon
I’ll take you up on the invitation.
But where will you take me?
Somewhere new? Somewhere exciting? Somewhere old? Somewhere foreign?
I pray, show me what I haven’t seen before
Expand my mind, expand my eyes, expand my soul, expand my heart
my heart is so full in this moment!
I want to see more, I want to know more
The views the vistas hitherto unknown to me
From my window – all I’ve seen:
old tree, young grass, black pavement, sticky pollen, you yellow house with bleeding paint.
Show me more
Show me new
Show me old!
Old, old, old
Everything here is new
What can I learn from a new world?
Show me old wisdoms, ancient truths
The histories of my fathers and mothers who wrote before me
O sky, O world, O culture, O knowledge
Expand my mind, enrich my soul
My eyes crave a newer and older vista.

Prepare ye souls for here I come!
My soul is calling, crying, begging
To touch your soul, to know your light.
And so the sky is calling
Pardon me I have to go
The flight is boarding now.

April 30, 2017
EWK airport

The Piano

The piano sat in crowded parlor

Hidden beneath a cloud of smoke, light, and noise.

Her song silent, her belly clenched, her keys tense, her petals gripping the solid earth beneath her.

Bodies warmed the air around her and sent vibrations flying

An hour then two she remained silent.

Another glass of wine warms my belly and from that abyss vibrations tingle and spill out in songs and poems never yet sung or spoken; but she tightens her strings and stops the mimic of sound

Her curves are beautiful, her color rich mahogany, her stoic presence a fixture in an otherwise unremarkable room.

Charcuterie now joins the din, and drunker than had I never eaten I feel my face flush with red excitement

Encouragement pours from my brothers and sisters who have cheered me here before

Welcome now I turn and face this instrument

Familiar friend I see your trepidation, never fear I have not forgotten how to play

Your keys and notes are known to me

We share the same vibration

What songs I will make you sing

Silent still I settle down

I sit and make to play, yet there she sits

Calm and unfriendly

How now friend remember me? We once sang songs together

Poems of life and laughter let us tickle them again.

And with that down my fingers press to make a note most sour

Careful friend, I’ll strike again

Another chord perhaps?

Once more out of tune my melody plays, so unmusical a word a phrase a joke a comment a compliment; half of one conversation.

Her body creaks, her body moans, the wood resists my touch

A little care, a little oil, that would do the trick

Too long her body has sat forgotten

Lost beneath light and smoke and noise

Yet who am I?

What I am to force from her her song?

We once sang our songs together; our music made in harmony

What harmony ever came from force?

What song ever sang without harmony?

Her note my note in layered effect each stronger for the other

Never was a note hit that it would rather sing

What ho

What arrogance, what foolishness

Your song was never mine

Your keys can sing, your strings can cry

My finger only foolish phallus fit to stumble cross your spine

Such crude poetics from this poet

A song most beautiful is not fit to sing

for one who does no more than seek the mystery.

Today I witnessed the birth of a city

Today I witnessed the birth of a city
The rising sun spilling new life across vacant streets and silent buildings.
Silence. Such precious silence.
But the sun rises higher
If I could cut the thread that pulls Apollo
And leave him suspended right where he is
A haunting glow that is the line between yesterday and today.
Disappointments of yesterday are gone, disappointments of today are yet to be,
And here in the middle there is nothing but silence and promise.

Oh dreamers dream
And sand men sleep
Wake not old city, slumber on and grant me silence
Yet one step forward
One inch higher
He climbs
He brightens
And the hour chimes to provoke my city.
Silence breaks with the crash of horns and howls that brought you to my city.
In that noise my old city becomes your new.

Today I witnessed the birth of a city
How beautiful when it was born
For that was when it was mine.

A Lesson in Awesomeness

I wish it had rained today, then I wouldn’t have felt so guilty for how much a waste it was.  This past week I have been very busy and I finally had a day off, so I kinda ran with it.  And by ran I mean laid down on the couch.

In terms of productivity, I did make it to the gym and the store and I did shower and get some online/tax stuff done today.  Gosh just typing that sentence even felt like a feat.

So fun news of the past week, I got a job (of the acting nature) not really gonna talk about it yet, but that at least was reassuring and comforting, knowing I can still book something (a fear that always plagues me).  Also this past week was much better on the audition front than the week before.

I got to catch up with a bunch of friends finally, the final step in my return to New York 😉  Sunday I got to have brunch (lunch) with some of my closest friends from AZ.  It was so fun seeing them, I love our brunches because somehow it always feels like no time has passed since I had last seen them.  Also they are doing SO FREAKING WELL!  I’m so mad proud of my AZ crowd representing in NY and taking names!

Other than that I took an incredibly intense ballet class with one of my friends and then bummed around the city for awhile in search of food, hung out at my friends place (trying to keep him company as he’s in the process of moving out), auditioned, went out with friends to celebrate a friends bday, auditioned, played piano for an audition, auditioned again, went to a guys and dolls reunion, saw some play that I couldn’t tell you all that much about, and finished up last night by walking around New York trying to find a place to eat at 12:30, to no avail.

Anyone else ever have the problem that if you are wandering New York with no predetermined destination (especially for food) you can never find anything that meets the requirements you’re looking for.  Example last night we just wanted a Diner or a sit down Pizza place.  45 minutes of walking around the city THAT NEVER SLEEPS and we didn’t find a single one that was open.  Part of the problem is I am hopeless outside of my own neighborhood.

I have 1 and a half more weeks until I head out to AZ for a while and I can’t wait!!!!!  First of all, I want a tan so bad, second I want to go for a hike like whoa, and third I get to see my family!!!!  Can’t wait to be on the opposite coast for a while and in the southwest.

I think one of the first posts I ever did was on my love for the desert and how much Arizona means to me, and that is as true today as it was then, but I’m so removed today from that world (having not been there for 10 months and before that about 8 months) it now represents something completely different to me.  AZ isn’t really home to me anymore, it’s the home of my family.

That is not to say I don’t look at Arizona as a type of home, because my family is my home, but I only ever lived in Arizona for 4 years, and I haven’t lived there for 6 now.  I’m sad about that.  But lets be honest I’m not moving back there any time soon.  For all my love for that state I won’t exactly call it a cultural hub, and the state has also certainly seen better days.

So finally you guys, the oscars are tomorrow!  I am really excited!  I haven’t filled out a sheet or anything, I’m not even sure what I’m doing, but I can’t wait for them!  I haven’t seen the Social Network (I know I’m even ashamed of me) so I should be on the SN or King’s Speech side.  But King’s Speech was seriously amazing.  I’m really just excited to see what James Franco and Anne Hathaway pull out, because I don’t think of either of them as the charismatic award show hosting type.  But hey maybe they’ll prove me wrong.

Enjoy this picture 😉

Back in the City

I haven’t blogged in a long time, I guess I’ve been putting this one off.  You see I got to go home for a week, and I knew that I would have to do my report on it, but there’s a sense of finality in that.

The problem is that it’s been two weeks since I got back and now I’m a bit removed from the trip.  But I’ll do my best.

For starters, the trip did not begin silky smooth.  Our flight was at 6 am so we needed a taxi at 4.  Turns out, it’s hard to get a taxi that will come to Queens at that hour.  After that trouble we went through security, but I forgot I had Christmas Presents in my bag that had way more liquid than is allowed.  So I got to go all the way back to the check in counter (where I chose to ignore the line) and check my bag in that way.

Anywho, after two non eventful flights we made it to Arizona.  I say this every time I go home for winter holiday, the weather in Arizona that time of year is un-beatable.  It was high 60s, low 70s all week.

The bf and I enjoyed a week of doing very little.  We went to Tucson one day to see my older brother and his wife, we got a few meals in with relatives, and otherwise just enjoyed the superb weather and the chance to do nothing.

Friday, my papa took us to the zoo (which I hadn’t been to in years) and it turned out being such an incredible day.  The weather was of course perfect (broken record) and all the animals were walking about in prime view.  There are also so many new exhibits I had never seen before.  It was great being outside walking around with my family.

I have embarassingly few photos of the trip, but the bf took a few goodies so I’m going to try and get them from him and put some up.

I was surprisingly level headed about coming back to New York.  I usually get really sad and difficult to console after I’ve had a good amount of time with my family, but this holiday season really just kept going and going, and by the end I did want a little bit of normalcy back in my life.  I was really sad that when I got back it meant the real end of the holiday season, but I’m trying to stay positive and optimistic.

I’ve done a few auditions since I got back.  They’ve been going well, but nothing to write home about yet.  About two days ago I woke up feeling terrible.  I’m not sure if it’s a head cold or just really bad sinuses, but two days later I’m still getting over it.  Last night I had to leave work because I was getting nacious with all the food around me, so I came home and laid in bed until this morning.

I think I feel a little better today, it’s kind of hard to tell.  The first day it was in the back of my sinuses, yesterday it was in the front (meaning there was a lot of drainage) today it seems to be finding it’s final home in my chest.  I’m overdosing on Vitamin C because I really want to stay healthy now that I’m in prime audition season.

Alas, I’m going to go now.  I have about an hour till I have to be at work but I’m not feeling very good today, emotionally or physically, so I’m going to try and center myself before I have to go.

…

10 years is an awfully long time.  A lot has happened in the last decade.  It therefore seems to me a little odd to make a list of the “bests” and “worsts” of the decade.    From my life the moment that had the greatest affect on my decade was of course 9/11.  Beyond that I can’t commit to anything as being a “best” or “most.”  Even Harry Potter, the boy wizard’s saga technically started in 1998.

Ugh it’s hard to write a post when I suddenly realize I have nothing of value to say.  I am getting a tad nostalgic about this past year, I saw a montage earlier and it triggered the memories.  I’m kind of sad that I’m not spending today with anyone I would like to.  The bf is at work until I leave for work and then most everyone else is home for the holidays.  So I’m picking up the apartment and then going to work.

I did at least get to wake up to snow this morning.  The world is a beautiful shade of white, however this afternoon it’s supposed to switch to rain.  Not cool.  Maybe it will keep my restaurant from having to be open for too late.

I’m gonna work on my resolutions today.  I don’t really like resolutions, and I don’t like to make huge goals so much as small changes.  The one thing I can guarantee is after I get back from AZ, the diet is changing.  I have been putting an awful lot of horrible stuff into my body recently…but it’s the holidays!

I really wanted to write, which is why the update exists, but I had nothing to say!  That’s annoying.

Silence is Golden, BS

I was in a writing mood yesterday, so I wrote this one and saved it to post today, that’s why there are a few references to time that might not make sense:

This post might be a little bit weird, because I’m not sure anyone else in the world feels the way I do about it.  Sometimes I just want to feel like I am connected to the world.

Its not unusual to feel lonely, even the largest city in the country is sometimes considered the loneliest.  Life is in many ways a constant attempt to fight loneliness.  We come into the world alone, we leave it the same way; we just want to have some company in the mean time.

I am now a product of my generation, and my generation suffers from overexposure.  I am used to being in touch with everything/one 24/7.  I carry around a link to the world wide web in the palm of my hand (iphone) and with one touch can check and see where everyone I know is, what they are doing, etc.

On Christmas I was on the bus back to New York, and I told my bf how I felt really out of touch with the world, because for that 4 hour journey I was stuck on a movie vehicle and incapable of getting anywhere else should the need have arisen.

It’s a mental thing.  A loss of control over where I was going, even though I was going where I needed to go.  (This is already starting to sound really abstract to me)

Today I woke up, unpacked, cleaned a bit, and then I sat down to unwind.  I REALLY wanted there to be a Christmas special on for me to watch, but as I wrote in my earlier post the thing I hate most about the day after Christmas is that all the holiday specials/commercials/movies end immediately.

Now I have the option of putting in a movie and watching that, but doing that feels like I would lose contact with the world.  At least on TV there is a shared feeling in someone else is watching with me somewhere in the world.

That might be a really weird, or lame thing to think, but I do feel a little lonely today.  I just had 4 days of family overload, and having grown up in a house that was almost always full of noise nothing comforts me more than a constant stream of chatter.  And just like Christmas, all that noise ended very suddenly for me today.

I have work tonight, and I know that it won’t be quiet there.  It’s just not as friendly of chatter as it is when you’re with your family.

When you type “loneliness, holidays” into Google, this is what pops up

Christmas in the City

I slept in so late this morning.  Yesterday was a catch up day, because the night before the bf and I went out with friends and woke up hurting enough to know that we had a good time the night before.  I’m really nervous about getting sick so I am overloading on vitamin c and I figured a real night of sleep wouldn’t be a bad thing.

The next few days I am fortunately going to be really busy with work.  I can’t wait for Monday night when I get to go down to DC for a few days with the bf’s family, and Christmas!  It took a lot of work but I managed to maneuver my schedule enough to leave town for the whole week.  I’m so excited.

So I was thinking about this recently, and by this I mean New York.  I moved to New York because it’s where I needed to be in order to pursue what I want to do.  If I wasn’t going into the field that I am I don’t think I would have found myself in this city.  I don’t really get when people move to New York so they can “live in New York.”  I just don’t get the draw of this city in that way.

I don’t think it’s a secret that I’m not in love with New York.  I don’t hate it by any stretch of the imagination, a lot of my problems with the city come with the fact that I’m still transitioning into my new city of residence.  But whenever I have the opportunity to escape the city for a short while, I get so excited.  It’s so peaceful everywhere else.

I’ve even started to shun TV shows that take place in New York.  When I have a moment in my apartment, the last thing I want to do is be reminded of the city and how crazy it is.  This is why I’ve been loving shows like Eastwick that take place in beautiful, suburban places.

The other day I had a day off and I was Christmas shopping or meeting with someone, or something to that effect when I had a realization.  I have never been bored since I moved to the city.  Granted there’s been a moment or two where I thought to myself “I need to get out of the apartment,” and almost immediately everytime that thought enters my head, an opportunity to do something has presented itself.

That is one of the reasons people move here.  The excitement, the constant list of things there are to do.  After that it just because an issue over how important it is to be constantly surrounded by distractions over having a moment of peace.

I have to say, in New York’s favor, I hate being bored.

I’m kind of sad that when I get back to the city the Christmas Season will be over.  I’ve loved the season in the city so far and would be ok with it going on forever.  At least the bf promised we could leave up the decorations for a little while longer!  He’s so good to me 😉

Oh and P.S. I was very upset with the end of So You Think You Can Dance.  Not only did my favorite dancer come in second, AGAIN, but the episode was really weird since the winner hurt himself early in the episode and couldn’t dance, and then turned out to be the least gracious winner I have ever seen

Tis the Season

Happy Holiday’s everybody!

I am in a pretty good mood tonight, so I hope this post gets to reflect that.  The past two weeks have been pretty good.  I had a wonderful Thanksgiving in DC with the bf’s family.  It was amazing how recharged I felt afterwards, just getting out of the city for 2 days and being amongst family was wonderful.  The holiday did include a bit more travel than I would have liked, but it was well worth the sacrifice.

This past week I had a pretty good audition experience.  I went in for Storytime Live which is a touring show done by Nickelodeon featuring the popular Nick toons of today.  It did make me feel a bit old because I had heard of one of the 100 characters.

Anywho, I went in to sing, and they called me back to dance.  They kept me through the first cut after we started dancing.  That night they emailed me asking me back in two days later at a specific time with scenes for me to read over in the meantime.  I went in and sang and did the scenes, they asked me back a few times, and then it just kind of ended.

These auditions tend to end like that.  I never get to see anyone else’s auditions, so I’m left with a strange “Will I?  Won’t I?” feeling.  However, it was clear that I made it to the very end, so I thought my chances were pretty good.  So I emailed the casting agent, thanking them and asking when I might find out.  She was very nice, and appreciatively direct that they had already made their offers and my name wasn’t in the mix this time, but she really appreciated my time.

So all in all, I didn’t get the job, but several casting directors have seen me rock an audition.  And that is the mind set I’m trying to keep in.

Work continues well as ever.  Today, the bf had the day off (conveniently the same day I do) so we went to Target to get a few things, not the least of which were…

Christmas decorations!  I say every year that I am going to decorate for Christmas, and every year I just put it off, and put it off, but not this year!  We got a seven foot tree, several garland, lights, snowmen, etc.  Our apartment it so christmasy! (photo’s below)

This afternoon I was talking to my momma on the phone and it was such a wonderful moment in time.  The bf was putting up the tree, we had Christmas music on, I was drinking a Bailey’s hot chocolate, AND UPS delivered Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince a day early!  It was like an overload of holiday cheer!

I just finished making dinner (and another Bailey’s cocoa) and took some pictures of the decorations around the apartment.  The bf is playing some video games and I think I’m gonna put in some special features from HBP and continue this good feeling!

Here’s the Winter Scene above our TV

Santa’s Wrapping Corner

Our lovely Windows

And the TREE

P.S.  My pictures are really big so you can only see half of them here.  If you click on each picture you can see the whole thing