I have had better days in my life. I have had worse days in my life. My mood has been swinging in absurd waves from one end of the spectrum to the other on an hourly basis since about 2 this morning.
It all started with a visit to my new neighborhood. I don’t want to say that I’m having second thoughts about the apartment-because I’m not- I’m just freaking out a little bit with having already committed my first year in New York to this new apartment. Many of the thoughts I had when moving off campus in Boston have come back to mind. Fears of feeling isolated, of not liking the apartment, of not liking the area. So there has been a lot of uncertainty plaguing my conscious since then.
Next, last night I watched Slumdog Millionaire. It is a really good movie, and the performances are pretty fantastic as well. It was not the movie I should have been watching because it is also a REALLY sad movie, and I have rarely seen anything that played more on my white guilt. Much of the movie is set in the slums of Mumbai, India-and for whatever reason the emotional reaction I was having to the images in the movie were subconsciously attaching themselves to my previous trip to Queens.
I could not fall asleep for the life of me, so I sat in bed reading until at least 2 in the morning. I woke up this morning determined to go for a run (which I finally managed) and it confirmed what I was thinking before: I desperately need a gym membership. I hate running in the city, it is just not calming in any way shape or form. There are too many people around, and more than that there are too many cars whizzing past.
Beyond running, I feel overall much more emotionally balanced when I am consistently working out. Obviously it increases endorphins, but even more importantly I typically channel all of my angst and burn it off. There’s a NYSC (New York Sports Club) right by the new apartment, which will be nice. I actually applied there for a job online yesterday too…figured it was a smart thing to do and a good opportunity.
Today I have gotten to spend some time with friends, but I still have been feeling kind of anxious, plus my head started hurting a little around 2, and started pounding by 4 (I have taken Tylenol now). Around 4:30 I headed back uptown and stopped at the park by my apartment.
I run through this park whenever I go for a run, and I’ve walked through it several times, but today I decided to sit and people watch and write a little. The weather was perfect (sunny and warm with a cool breeze) and there were hundreds of people out, and unlike when I’m running I loved being around all these people.
Sitting there for about 45 minutes was enough to get me breathing and relax a little bit, which is exactly what I needed. My head still hurts a bit but I feel at least kind of relaxed. I think I might try and make it to a dance class in the next week just to ground myself a little bit and get a good stretch in as well.
One of the reasons I know I’m starting to get anxious is because I’m sitting idle a little too much, aka I need a job! I’m a little bored without a job or something to do each day and I need to figure that out, and hopefully soon! I’m not good at not doing anything, especially since I haven’t really “done” anything since I graduated in May. I’m ready to jump start my life a little bit more.
It’s at points like this that I like to listen (as lame as it might be) to the song Music and the Mirror. Don’t understand? Youtube the song and listen to the lyrics…
Life In Hyperbole 